Chapter 3 - Where can I meet women?
This is the third in a series of dating articles that I have written following my prostate removal surgery. The aim of the articles is to give you an insight on what steps that I took regain my mojo following the surgery.
The art or skill of dating may not come easy to all men and undertaking it in a post-op situation where you have new and unwanted physical and mental issues, the concept can be daunting and depressing.
So let’s start with the basics - meeting women.
If you hadn't noticed, women are everywhere.
Open your eyes, they are there, in all shapes, sizes, types, and ages. And they are all beautiful in one way or another. Your job is to discover and enhance the beautiful connection that you may develop between yourself and a woman, embrace what you may have in common, and sustain what it takes to generate an amazing bond.
Remember that beauty is not just what you see, it is what you feel.
As a generalisation, women are more wired to non-physical, sensual beauty than the visual appearances of a man. So do not necessarily get hung up on your looks or theirs, but at least make an effort to look appealing!
This is one thing I love about organic dating. Unlike an online dating profile, where our conscious and unconscious biases dictate a swipe right or left, organic dating is where you see and feel the energy of the whole person. Do not underestimate or discount the “energy” of a male or female being attracted to each other. It is a fascinating subject, and a lot of women believe in this energy, the Universe and the connection between two people. There are thousands of books, podcasts, and workshops on this subject and I will not go into it too deeply, but believe me, the connection that mutual partners feel is real and exciting.
Where to meet women organically
Social Dancing. Salsa, Rock n Roll, West Coast Swing, Tango, Line Dancing..... the list is endless. I have been dancing for 10 years, and there is no shortage of single women who love to be swirled around a dance floor. Google dance lessons in your area and you will not regret it.
Travel Tours. You will be surprised at the number of single women who travel with Intrepid or Peregrine Travel or similar travel tour organisations. The woman that you are seeking may be the one that wants to see the world but they do not have a travel buddy. These tours are a perfect way to do just that, and from a single male’s perspective there are usually more women than men on these tours. So grab your happy wanderlust mindset, your backpack and Go!
Yoga & Gyms This is an area that needs discretion and well-honed situational awareness and communication skills. Rule #1: Women go to Yoga or the Gym for themselves and themselves only. They DO NOT go there to meet guys and they do not want to feel pressure from some lonely looking smiling dude whilst they are in an exercise program or a yoga pose. So if you are new to dating, avoid this space. But... If your gym or yoga studio have social engagements, or a yummy cafe nearby, yes try your dating skills out, but only AFTER the class. Regardless of where you meet women, be respectful, do not come on too heavy, and look at their body language. One of the reasons women go to Yoga or on a remote travel holiday, could be to avoid men!!
Community Meet-ups
Look within your community for events or Meetup Groups that are in sync with your hobbies.
I have been to wine and food meetups, and there is a variety of groups including cycling, bushwalking, gardening or volunteer events. Go to these events because you enjoy them, not because it has a higher proportion of single women.
A friend of mine recently joined a community meetup group. By week 3 she was loving the activities and had embarked on a passionate relationship with one of the fellow members. So, you will never know when romance occurs. Just be your happy positive self.
Tips on Approaching Women
Think Positive If you are a male who has a genuine soul, positive energy and charisma, women will see and feel it.
If you are a control freak, an alpha male, narcissist or a "glass half empty", grumpy old man, and not prepared to change, STOP reading now and go back to the couch and the TV remote control.
I mean it. Women do not want men controlling their lives or sucking the energy from their souls, nor do they want a partner that fails to see the positive things in their lives and the lives of others. And if you are looking for a woman to be your prostate cancer carer in your old age, book yourself into a nursing home now!! Potential dates will not be doing that job and if they get a whiff of that as your relationship needs, you will not be getting a second date. So be your happy self. You just beat cancer!
Smile
Here is an experiment you can try in the street, smile at a random person. In most cases, they will simile back, then they have that look of confusion of, “do I know you?”.
The next step, if you see someone that you find attractive, smile at her. In most cases smiles will be returned. It is a first step. Visually we assess people constantly and we are naturally judgemental. Similarly women do the same, so if you look sour, grumpy, or depressed, then that is what prospective dates will see and label you as that.
Take the gamble, say Hello I know that it is scary to say Hi to a stranger or even to a familiar face you see daily in the local cafe. But do it, what have you got to lose? Pick your moment to say Hi. Not when she is about to drink her coffee, nor when she has just bitten into her croissant. No woman is going to return your greeting regardless of how adorable you might be when she knows that she has cappuccino froth on her lip or flaky pastry in her teeth!
I would also avoid trying out your communication skills in a church, lectures, cinemas or funerals. Pick your places to start a conversation, choose a place where there are no roadblocks to an ongoing conversation.
Lead with an open question
Okay, you've got a smile, you've got a Hi in return, what next???
Panic sets in, internally you are screaming: what should I say?
Open your eyes- is she with her dog, does she look like she has been to yoga (the yoga mat is a dead give away), what is she eating, does she have that tanned recent holiday look?
Observe and take a big step, try.....
How was your yoga class?
Cute dog, what is its name?
What are the cocktails like, what do you recommend?
Lead with an open question, one that will generate more than a simple Yes or No. Once you get past that scary stage, and there is an obvious reciprocal connection, start a conversation. If it is going well and her boyfriend or husband do not turn up, ask if she would like to join you for a coffee, a stroll, or a drink.
But first a technical issue, wedding rings. Guys, it is on the left hand, third finger from the thumb. But what of it if she has a wedding ring on? It is only a conversation, not a proposal to have an affair. Who knows, she may be unhappy in her marriage and would love a chat, or she may have a single girlfriend who is looking for a guy just like you. You will never know if you don't say Hi.
Look for the cues Keep the conversation going. If it is organic, it will flow. If it is laboured, it will die. Look for the cues that there’s no fizzle, such as: She looks at her watch, she moves towards the door, her replies are a simple yes and no. Take the hint. She may be in a hurry, she may have an appointment, she may not be
interested in you or she may just find you boring.
Or, she really has to go somewhere or she has a friend turning up, but she is interested in you.
If you feel the cues are positive ask to swap details, or arrange a proper catch up.
Good luck and do not get disheartened if it does not work the first, the second or third times.
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