Chapter 4 - How to navigate online dating
This is the fourth in a series of dating articles that I have written following my prostate removal surgery. The aim of the articles is to give you an insight on what steps that I took regain my mojo following the surgery.
In Chapter 3, I discussed the ways to meet women organically, but if you are busy, travelling, occupied with life’s demands, finding opportunities to meet women organically can be limiting.
So, to increase your chances of finding a partner, I do encourage online dating. But again, I repeat that in this dating space, "Respect" for any of the women you match or chat with, is the most important thing. If there is such a thing as Dating Karma, believe in it as you receive what you put into this Universe.
If you have not used an online dating website, contrary to popular beliefs, they are not scary nor are all of the outcomes disastrous. So long as you follow some basic rules.
First off, when using dating websites you are not selling your car or your boat or a set of skis on Gumtree!
You are selling yourself.
And you are selling to a market that has seen every scam and every variation of dodgy profiles. The women you are promoting yourself to, are smart and tech savvy. They can spot a fake! So be honest to yourself and to the women out there.
Which Dating Website Should I Use? Everyone has a dating website horror or happy story. Tinder, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Bumble, eHarmony, etc etc. The list goes on with so many platforms to choose from. If you are new to the online dating game, start with the free ones. My favourite is Tinder, it is simple, it does not ask 50 ridiculous questions on your personality, it is free and I use it successfully. Yes Tinder gets bad press, and yes if you are 25 years old it can be used simply for one night stands (ONS). But for the older age groups, it is preferred as it is simple to use. I suggest that you try a few dating websites and find which one suits you. Women using dating sites do have certain online preferences to specific platforms, so you may have two online profiles running simultaneously. If you have the money, you can try the paid dating services like eHarmony. I have not used them but the feedback I have from my female friends, is that even after completing 100 questions, the matches suggested by the website algorithms, can still be a seafloor bottom dwellers. So it is your choice.
One of my female friends was considering using an executive dating service which costs $1,000's as it offers a higher quality male match. There is nothing wrong with those sites but be honest when it comes to questions relating to your health and Erectile Dysfunction issues. The website and the women may penalise you for not declaring your penis as faulty goods!!
Your Profile & Photos
To enter the online dating scene you need a profile description and profile photos, and to obtain the best opportunity for matches, you need a great profile. Remember you are selling yourself, so get your online profile right. But do not get too pedantic, as you can update the profile at any time.
So, what is a good online dating profile?
In reality, I have no idea. But I can tell you what a bad profile looks like and so can most of the women who are out there online and are your potential matches. So, here are some tips on how to avoid a bad profile.
Profile Photos “Don’ts”
1. High Viz clothing. (Not sexy)
2. Pictures of you with another woman, even if it is your sister, get rid of that photo.
3. You and the Kids. (Unless you are selling yourself as family man, who can no longer reproduce)
4. You, your car, your boat, your motor bike. ( Just ...NO)
5. You holding a dead fish or any sort of deceased prey. (You just lost 90% of your market.)
6. Blurred photos. (Come on, make an effort to get a good photo of yourself)
7. Photos clearly taken 10 years ago. (Liar Liar pants on fire)
8. Photos taken in the front seat of your car. (Lazy!)
9. Bare chested bedroom photos. (Gross!)
10. Instagram food photos (this is a dating game, not MasterChef)
11. Landscapes, buildings, sunsets, beaches, llamas, etc. (Your profile is not selling a travel destinations)
12. You astride an animal that had no choice in carrying your lazy arse up a Greek island tourist path.
And there are so many more "Don’ts"
Things that should be in your profile photos.
1. Up to date photos
2. Happy face photos
3. Full body photos (with clothes on!!)
4. Photos of you doing your hobbies eg skiing, marathons, travel
5. You and your pet. Dogs and cats can be winners
Profile Descriptions
When writing your profile, be honest, but not completely honest. Do not mention your cancer or your erectile dysfunctional issues. Remember, you are more than a Penis, so sell yourself.
Don’t make your profile too long nor too short. If you are looking for a relationship, say it. Be honest. Don’t lie about your age. Read the online profiles of women and find the words that match your dating objectives. If you have a female friend who is honest and supportive of you, show her your profile. Hopefully she will give you feedback on what she likes or doesn't like.
You've Got A Match Woooohooooo, even I get surprised when I get a match.
If you obtained a match, congratulations. Your profile worked.
What do I do now?
In pretty much 99% of my matches, the woman will not initiate a text conversation with you because they are very wary of men behaving badly. They will not waste energy on sending you a message just because you matched.
So it is up to you to start the conversation. But unlike meeting someone in a café, your initial message to your new match can be thought through. Go back to her profile and start your conversation with information based on what made you swipe right on her in the first place. Keep your message simple and short, and do not simply say "Hi" !!! (boring)
Online Conversations
Well done on initiating a conversation.
Not all matches result in a conversation, so do not get disheartened if she does not reply. It happens and it is disappointing, but life after your cancer treatment will be full of confronting touch points and you will feel that if it wasn’t for the cancer or the operation or the treatment, I wouldn’t be in this situation.
I can’t help you in how you got to be here reading my notes, but I can help you to minimise the likelihood of rejection in this dating game. If you feel that life is full of rejection and it is getting you down, please talk to someone. I have been there and a simple conversation with someone who cares, can rebuild your shaky confidence.
Okay, so you have a conversation going, Awesome.
Don’t swamp her with texts, don’t pry, no pressure, just have a simple text conversation. If you feel okay with the flow of text messages, offer to share your Facebook or Instagram profiles with her. This will make her feel comfortable by showing her that she is talking to a real person and not some scammer located in a far off country.
There are no rules on when you should swap telephone numbers and talk, or when you should organise a date. Every woman is different, some women want to talk to you before they meet, and some refuse to give their numbers out until they have met you. Play it by ear and be the one to initiate a meetup. Women still like men who are decisive and show initiative. If you are hesitant about a face to face, they will think you are married and will dump you quickly !!
Keep the date simple. Coffee, a beer or wine. Do not suggest having dinner for a first date. I have had women tell me that within 5 minutes of meeting a fresh date, they knew it was going to be a long boring dinner. So don't go there, keep it simple as you too may find more that 30 minutes of a first meetup very excruciating.
Well done, you have made a match, you have a face to face date lined up, you are on your way!!!!
This is where is gets scary. In this euphoria of matching and chatting, you have not forgotten about your floppy friend. Read my next chapter on First Dates and at what stage do you raise the curly issues of prostate cancer, erectile dysfunction, and dribbly urine (eeeuuuwww that sounds gross! Do not put that in your dating profile 😉).