Chapter 5 - First Date & Delicate Declarations
This is the fifth in a series of dating articles that I have written following my prostate removal surgery. The aim of the articles is to give you an insight on what steps that I took regain my mojo following the surgery. I hope that they help you.
In Chapter 4, I discussed the ways to meet women via online dating apps, and to promote yourself honestly to enhance the opportunities for a first meetup. This chapter is about ways to raise that little, but improving issue of your "new normal".
If you have got to this chapter, then you have been successful in meeting a woman. Well done for finding a connection and having asked her for a coffee or a wine, but you still have this undisclosed prostate cancer and floppy penis issue screaming in your head.
You probably have so many questions like; “how do I tell her?”, or “how will I date and have sex with a new partner with my post operation short comings?” or “how can I be intimate with a partner and stop dribbling?”.
I have the same thoughts and fears as you and I have been in this dating situation many times since my operation 18 months ago. So what I am sharing with you in this article may not be applicable to every bloke who has the same issues as I have, but my tips may help you get to a second date.
Where do I start?
First piece of advice, between you and your prospective date, it is only you that is making a big issue over something small, and dribbly. At this point in time, she does not even know that you have had prostate cancer or a prostatectomy or radiation treatment.
So Relax. It is only a coffee or wine date. 😊
The objective is to go on this and all dates, being your normal self (not Mr Grumpy or Mr Depressed), and impress her so much that she will want a second date with you.
It sounds like a simple and great plan, but if you are rusty on the basic tips for first dates, here are a few items that women have shared with me:
· Be on time.
· If you are going to be late, text her she will understand.
· Dress smart and casual, do not come to your first date looking like you have been working in the garden.
· If you know a little about her likes and dislikes, do some research. I have been known to research (stalk) my date’s Facebook or Instagram account. (But don’t admit it! That’s Creepy.)
· If you are still wearing dribble pads, keep them out of sight. It is embarrassing when a pad accidentally comes out of your pocket when you pull your wallet out. (Yes, it happened to me.)
· Phones off. Basic courtesy. As is all the other dating stuff you should know, like not checking out the other women in the café. Not a good move and any prospective date, will dump you.
· Remember, the women you are dating are smart, experienced and have standards. If you fail to meet those basic standards of courtesy, politeness, communication, there will never be a second date regardless of your erectile dysfunctional issues. So be polite, listen to her, keep her interested in you.
Modify Your Expectations
Before we jump into the first date, one thing that I learnt quickly was, if your expectations are too high, and you fail to meet these lofty self-imposed goals, a dud date or text message rejection can crush your ego and depression sets in very quickly.
Life has dealt you and I a blow, but it hasn’t killed us and we are still very much alive to enjoy a fantastic life. But your happiness will be significantly impacted if you keep believing that you are not meeting your pre-cancer expectations. Your body has changed, and so should your expectations.
In the dating space, I had to modify my expectations relating to meeting women, talking to them and potentially being intimate with them. I had the fear of declaring my post operation penile issues, and the feeling of being a failure as a Man to be an adequate lover.
Six months down the track from my operation, and with a number of failed and successful dates under my belt, I am regularly dusting myself off after a rejected date and getting back on the dating scene to try again. What are my choices? The Couch? Uber Eats, Netflix? No, that is not for me and I hope that is not for you.
So, modify your expectations, go to the date with a positive attitude and aspirations of finding a good connection with this woman. Remember, your body has changed and in this dating game you have to take it slower and offer to any future partner a great connection, beautiful sensuality (remember sensuality is not sex - Chapter 2), or a supportive friendship.
The Prostate Cancer Declaration
Usually in my conversations on a first date, there is a bit of “to and fro” with each person describing their lives and how they got to be in this dating situation. Be honest, be genuine, be yourself.
My tips are not to give you guidance on how to have a conversation with a woman, but if the conversation in flowing freely and there are no uncomfortable period of silence ( or the sound of crickets) then we are on our way to drop the “C” word.
If the conversation is not flowing, and you or her are not interested in each other after you have finished the first drink. Keep your Cancer issue to yourself, as there may not be a second date.
But if the conversation is going well and a second round of drinks are on the way, then we are well on our way to partial disclosure.
This is how I have raised the subject of Prostate Cancer.
The conversation is usually going along the lines of; “what have you been up to this year? Travel? Work? Life events?”
If she asks you those questions, that’s your cue!
“Yes, I was going to go to India in May, but I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in March and that stuffed up my travel plans.”
Her reply could be along the lines of; “Prostate Cancer? Are you okay, are you having treatment?”
You casually reply; “I am fine, they chopped it out, and I did not need any ongoing treatment. My body is still recovering downstairs from the surgery, but overall everything is good.”
Small talk about cancer will be generated such as; “Wow, you were lucky they got it early. I had a friend who had it and he is fine. So will you.”
She may also declare that she has had cancer and you two now have something in common and will be empathetic to each other's health issues.
In the space of cancer conversations, I have learnt the hard way and as a result, there was no 2nd or 3rd date. So beware of the following landmines.
Landmine #1 - Now in cancer conversation terms, stop there at the general description of your diagnosis and treatment. Do not go on about your surgery, do not mention your dribbles, or your absence of an early morning woody. Move the conversation away to happier things such as; when you will get to India or complete the house renovation.
If she has knowledge of prostate cancer and all the effects on your love tackle, answer her questions be short and positive in your replies. Make her see you as someone who has beaten cancer and it is not going to slow you down. Women love men who have a positive attitude.
It is a fine line of what you say and don’t say. I have joked about wearing a pad and it got a laugh and a response of; “Now you know what us women have to put up with.”
Landmine #2 - Do not overshare. If you get a second or third date, there will be plenty of time to elaborate on your journey to full recovery.
From my experience, the conversation will move away from the cancer issue and you will discover that this person is very interesting and you want to know more about her. Or, you may realise that there is no spark between the two of you, or she is not interested in you and the final siren sounds and the date officially ends.
But since we are happy “Cancer Survivors”, we are super positive about life, and of course she is going to enjoy your company and there will be a second date.
As the conversation wanes or the allotted date time expires, do not finish this date without sharing contact details, social media profiles, and availabilities for another date.
I hope this article has helped you to feel confident in raising the cancer topic on your first or second or third date.
STOP PRESS
OMG! She has just asked me back to her place!!
What the? I was not expecting this.
Yes, this may happen, even on a first date. Your brain is doing High Fives and Woooohoooos, but at the same time your floppy friend may raise his single lazy eyebrow and if he could talk he may say; “Hey, I am damaged goods, you will get nothing out of me tonight, you are on your own.”
What do you do?
Remain calm and go back to her place, of course. If she has asked you back to her place for something other than hot chocolate and Netflix, then this is the next delicate declaration.
“You know that I mentioned that I had prostate cancer 6 months ago, well my body may not be able to perform as well as it should.”
Her reply could be; “I know, and I understand, but you can kiss and you can hold me, can’t you?”
What happens next is jumping to a much later steamier Chapter, so until then or, if it does happens to you on a first date, wing it. Trust me, you will work it out. You are more than a Penis 😊.
My future articles will discuss follow up dates, erectile dysfunction conversations and intimacy. Stay tuned.
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