Chapter 6 – Delicious Dating with Erectile Dysfunction
This is the sixth in a series of dating articles that I have written following my prostate removal surgery. The aim of the articles is to give you an insight on what steps that I took regain my mojo following the surgery. I hope that they help you.
Welcome back to my guidance articles about dating following a diagnosis of prostate cancer and treatment involving a prostatectomy or radiation treatment.
Quickly summarising my rehabilitation and dating journey;
I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in March 2019, a prostatectomy in May, and in July I set off on an indulgent Gap Year of travel in Europe, complete with absorbent pads, Viagra and a penis pump in my backpack. In the years prior to my diagnosis, I was a very active dater and in the time since my prostate operation, my enthusiasm for dating has not diminished.
In my earlier dating articles, I discussed how to meet women, how to strike up a conversation, and how to share that you have had cancer. Importantly, I have also discussed, and I will continue to repeat this, that there is a difference between sex and sensuality, and that you need to modify your expectations on intimacy when it comes to developing post-treatment relationships.
From my experience since my operation, if I had lofty and unrealistic goals relating to dating and sex, any rejection, any failed date or clumsy sexual encounter, would cut deep and self doubt would insidiously affect my confidence and my next date. Ultimately, this would also impact on my overall wellbeing and the rehabilitation of my unemployed appendage. So my tip is, modify your expectations, and remember to be happy, you Beat Cancer!
Turning a simple date into something more
So you have had your first date over coffee or wine, and it went pretty well. Your new friend is fun, intriguing, she laughs at your jokes, and you successfully slipped into the conversation that little issue of prostate cancer and your treatment. Well Done.
After such a date, I suggest that you follow up with text messages or phone calls and demonstrate that you were listening to her conversations and you genuinely are interested in her life and her activities.
If you have not already organised another date, do so. It can be coffee again, it could be wines, beers or dinner, or if you have a mutual interest in the arts, or simple walks, just ask her. You will not progress off the couch if you do not put yourself out there.
Regardless of the location of the date, the intent is to develop a friendship or connection first. Do not go into any date with an expectation of intimacy. I have gone to many dates where I was expecting kisses, only to walk away rejected and disappointed. So when embarking on any date, go with a “no expectations” attitude.
If you haven’t forgotten, you do have erectile dysfunction and other post-op issues, and this could play on your mind during any date. Especially if you have gone to the bathroom three times during the hour long date. Make a joke of it, bring your cancer and the associated issues to the table, normalise them. She may be interested in your health, or your rehabilitation, or just wanting to know how much emotional investment she should put into this emerging relationship.
I cannot give you a recipe or script for this conversation, but I can tell you what I say to any new friend where dating has advanced past the first coffee date. It is important to remember that the depth or brevity of any prostate cancer related conversation is about you reading the communication signals that she is giving you.
If she asks questions, that is good. Answer her questions, do not sugar coat it, but do not overshare and tell her about your shock of seeing blood filled ejaculations following your biopsy. ( There are somethings we don’t share ……. Sorry I just did). If you see her attention waning or she is changing the subject, move away from talking about your downstairs plumbing.
When I meet a woman and I am interested in her, I want her to see me as me. A whole person that offers so much energy, so much life, that I am positive with a fantastic outlook to life and prepared to share some of that energy with her.
Women do not see you as a walking penis ( If this article was a cartoon, I have this visual image of an erect penis striding with pride down the street after my first date, and walking next to me is another penis, flaccid and hunched over, shuffling and dribbling down the street carrying and being weighed down by self imposed expectations in shopping bags).
Women want to see a man that is fun, full of energy, confident, someone who has their shit together, someone who has beaten cancer and is getting on with their life. Women, like men have enough of their own problems, so do not burden them with yours.
So if your new female friend does see the super positiveness in you, the conversation and the body language will shift away from your issues to things that are both enjoyable to talk about.
How do I make the first intimate contact?
Again, I am not going to give you a checklist or script, but I attempt to be tactile in her company and conversation. If I touch her hand or body and she does not recoil, but she lingers for more, that is a good sign. Having said that, remember to let her hand go before it gets uncomfortably clammy or she loses blood flow to her fingers! Keep the anticipation of the touch and the resulting tingles or delicious goose bumps ever present.
The Kiss
I cannot tell you when is the right time to kiss your new friend. I have been on many pre-cancer dates where it took numerous dates to get the confidence or the opportunity to kiss. Post-op, I have the same anxieties of when to kiss as I did pre-op. With my modified post-op expectations, I let the kiss happen naturally. I do not force the situation, nor do I ignore her signs that indicate that she would like to be kissed. So you work it out, but give it a go. What do you have to lose?
Similar to not telling you when to kiss, how to kiss is a whole new chapter that you should have read when you were 15 ! But here is some feedback from my female friends about being kissed by men.
o Make them soft
o Be exploratory in a tender way with your lips and tongue
o Combine your kisses with gentle caresses and embrace
o Feel the connection, feel the electricity, feel the energy travelling through your lips, feel her body soften and melt.
(OMG, I am starting to sound like an erotic fiction writer …..)
Now if you have not kissed a woman since your operation or treatment, you are in for a Huge Surprise. Pedro stirs! Yes, I have found that kissing is the best form of erectile dysfunction rehabilitation. Your kisses will send once forgotten signals from your brain to your penis, and if there is just a small number of intact nerves remaining after your surgery, Pedro will tingle!!!
No swelling or instant engorgement will occur like the good old days, but you will feel it.
(If that happens, please do not stop kissing and punch the air with a huge cheer of Woooohoooo! That is such a passion breaker – smile on the inside and keep kissing.)
With all these electrical signals bouncing around in your brain, your lips and your groin, I can tell you that panic sets in as you can feel Pedro dribbling. Noooooo!!!! I forgot my pads and you can visualise breaking this beautiful embrace, to not see an erected tent in my pants but an embarrassing wet spot.
From my real experience of first time dating in my early post-op world, my tip is to wear a pad. You may have done your pelvic floor exercises every day and you can be as dry as a two sphincter man, but once the kissing starts, your one and only remaining sphincter is not going to able to hold back the flood of climacturia ( I am still hoping that I get those letters on a double word score in Scrabble !!).
Okay, your pad is in and it is doing its job, relax enjoy the kisses, the caresses, the tingles and don’t worry about the next scary stage. Well it is not really scary, it is that stage of the intimate moment that usually leads to exploratory hands and the partial or full removal of clothing. (Hopefully, you have left the restaurant by now!)
This is Passion. It is the stuff that you have been missing out on since your diagnosis and possibly dreading. Thus, the reason for my articles, to give single men the confidence to get back into intimate relationships.
Time For Disclosure #2
As the kisses and caresses advance and there is genuine passionate energy between the two of you, you are already thinking ahead and realising that you are entering into unchartered waters. Sure, you have kissed before, sure being naked is not the issue, but it is the realisation that there is no hard on, there no throb, nothing! Only a wet spot, that keeps on growing.
Time for a pause in the passion, as it is time for full disclosure to your new friend of what is happening or not happening downstairs. Now you may have already discussed this over a drink beforehand, but to minimise yours and her concerns and to moderate yours and her expectations, it is time for you to explain to your new friend that this is the first time that you have been intimate with a woman since your operation or treatment.
For her, she may have very little knowledge of what your treatment has been and what is the operating status of your body. I have had women tell me that they thought a prostatectomy was undertaken via the anus, so do not assume that everyone knows what you have been through. Take the time, explain to her the treatment process, show off your robot battle scars, explain that the cruel surgeon stole 30mm of urethra and Mr Stumpy down there is a shadow of its former glory. Describe that they also stole one of your sphincters and bladder control is not under control and pads are a daily requirement. If your new friend has had children, she may laugh and say “Welcome to our world”. So laugh about it, it is not the end of the world, in fact for you, it is the start of a whole new world.
To give you some guidance of my first few experiences in this new world which was full of uncertainty about everything related to sex, I explained to them what my body is and is not capable of doing. I told them about the damaged nerves and the absence of blood flow to the penis, I explained that orgasms with a soft penis is possible and that this is a work in progress with some interesting achievements. I also stated that I will leave my jocks on (with pad) as I was embarrassed about the leakage.
Then once that is all fully explained, they would ask me, “what can I do for you?”.
My reply was “Nothing, just kiss me, and let me explore your body and enjoy the moment”.
Now if you remember my earlier articles, I stressed the difference between sex and sensuality. This is the time for you to put your reading and practice into play, as you still have perfectly functioning hands, skin, mouth, tongue and teeth to tantalise her, to tease, arouse and ultimately generate many orgasms for her.
I have not met a single woman who is not happy to just lie there and be caressed, devoured and consumed by rolling explosive orgasms, and once she has been exhausted by your tender and sensual touch, just hold her. Lie there, listen to her breathing return to normal, and be proud that even without a functioning penis, you have made your new friend a very happy person 😊.
And even though you may still wearing your jocks and pad, and there may not even be the slightest expansion in Pedro, do not despair, you are about to start a whole new journey of discovery. Each week, each month, with the ongoing discovery of yourself, you will learn something new about your abilities to enjoy sex, and you will also discover that women do not need a penis to satisfy them.
Good luck with the dating, and with the next chapter I will describe what I have learnt on how to manage your own sexual expectations and ways in which you can exceed the expectations of your new friend.
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