Chapter 8 – Spontaneity & Erectile Dysfunction
This is the eighth article in a series of dating articles that I have written following my prostate removal surgery. The aim of the articles is to give you an insight on what steps that I took regain my mojo following the surgery. I hope that they help you.
Definition: Spontaneity /ˌspɒntəˈneɪɪti/
Noun
"Spontaneity involves unpredictability and it heightens intensity and excitement in a relationship. Spontaneity is the opposite of routine."
Source: Dr Kim Chronister. https://www.bustle.com/articles/139771
This article is about how you apply the above definition of Spontaneity in a situation where you want to keep the spark in your relationship but your body is not performing the way it used to. This is one of a series of informative articles that I have written about dating and relationships following my diagnosis of prostate cancer and its removal by a robotic prostatectomy.
Since my operation, I have been travelling through Europe as part of my well earned Gap Year. During my travels, I have met a number of women and over time, and maybe over a wine or two, the conversation gets around to relationships and sexual adventures.
The conversations that I have shared on these topics are free flowing in both directions. I tell them how my world has changed since the operation, and they share with me the good and not so good relationships and sexual experiences that they have had. This openness has been beneficial for all involved and what I have learnt from these conversations and my post-op rehabilitation practices, is worthy of sharing with post-op men and their partners.
I have found that during these conversations, women do not find me threatening or predatory and I put this partly down to my changed attitude and the energy that I project since my op, which has modified my expectations of any potential connection. I openly share my condition and rehabilitation path, and this somehow makes me disarming to women.
One comment that I received from a new dating friend was that “I was refreshing in her dating world as I was not hunting for sex", and therefore they could relax with me. This rang true with me as I have realised that because of my post operation shortcomings, my sexual hunger has changed and the energy that I project is an energy that is not sexually confronting to women.
So in this environment of open conversation, we have shared our experiences, our desires and our needs. As a result friendships develop and occasionally that may progress to something more intimate.
Lost Spontaneity
I can only talk of my own experiences, but in the 10 months of dating and having sexual adventures, I have realised that with my lovers in this post-op world of mine, I was lacking in the delivery of sexual impulsiveness .
Prior to my op, I enjoyed open and honest relationships. I had a high libido and initiated and experienced spontaneity regularly in my sex life.
With my lovers during that pre-op period, spontaneity was regularly undertaken to vary the predictable routine that can develop with a regular partner. It was fun, enjoyable and very memorable.
Post op, I still have a high libido, but being sexually impulsive with a partner has been circumvented by the following prostate cancer related passion killers.
Passion Killers that prevent me from"Getting It On" (in order of sequence with a partner)
Popping a Viagra half an hour before the thought of being impulsive has arisen.
Giving Pedro a wash as he may have that stale urine smell.
Pull out the pump and cock ring and engage in the physics of vacuum science to enhance my anatomical best friend.
Get some towels out because of Mr Dribbles.
Check that I have lube handy.
Confirm that any play toys are fully charged and readily available to join in.
And while this is all going on, I am supposed to be kissing and caressing my partner to a point of desire that she wants to jump me and have a fun time with Pedro.
Mmmmmm, can you see the problem with this picture?
So spontaneity has not been working for me as I have been hesitant in engaging in passion if any of those passion killers are on my mind. But from my open conversations with women on this subject, they desire spontaneity, they love it and wish lovers were more spontaneous more often. They want to be tantalised, teased, caressed, kissed, and sometimes they would like to be thrown on to the bed and be taken to a point of “passionate no return”.
Post-op, I have been in these passionate-charged situations, but my mind is thinking of all of the above listed passion killers and how do I pause this uncontrollable passion to say;
"Mmmmmm, can you just hold for about 15 minutes, whilst I do at least some of the above steps, Please 🙏"
It is not going to work, and from my experience, it has not worked. She is not going to wait nor are they going to watch your mechanical erection machine in use. So, because of this fear of failing, I did not try to be impulsive, I was not going to start something spontaneously that I could not finish successfully for at least one of the people involved.
As a result. I was becoming a boring lover. Which for me, is more devastating than not getting an erection. Aaaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!!
Recognising what I am capable of
Pre and post-op, I lived and continue to live a life of non-monogamous honest relationships, and I do not want to be that boring, routine driven, non-impulsive lover. I want to be just as desirable by my partners as any fully functioning male. Yes, my female friends tell me about how their lovers please them, and I can tell you, their stories do not include a suction pump or climacturia ( I still want that word in Scrabble).
So, what have I done to avoid prematurely retiring my dribbly, half inflated Pedro ?
Well, the first thing that I have done is to recognise my capabilities and yes, my deficiencies of my body and accept them. I own them. I can’t excuse them, I cannot fight them, I have to own them.
Secondly, I had to recognise that the Pill, Pump, Pash routine was only being applied in a bedroom environment. So I needed to break out of this 3P routine and apply it to other parts of my world.
Finally, I set some objectives to be impulsive. With these impulsive ideas planted in my head and even planted in my partner’s mind - Spontaneity is BACK!!
"Whoa, slow down" says Pedro. "Have you not seen the condition that I am in at the moment?” (Yes Pedro has a voice and the imaginary conversation continues with.)
“Mate, I am all for being impulsive, and a Quicky was amazing when I was in my prime pre-op condition, but now, really! These damaged nerve endy things have me firing on only 3 cylinders."
"Give me a break, and whilst I am on the subject , keep that vacuum thing away from me. It is embarrassing being seen inside a specimen jar!"
Okay, so being impulsive and relying on Pedro for his penetration super powers, is not a working combination.
Being spontaneous with post-op physical deficiencies can be difficult and the following are some of the things that I have done to keep the spark in a relationship. But I will disclose now, that it doesn’t always work, but when it does….. Everyone is happy!
Create a plan, a fantasy.
Spontaneity is about breaking the routine, so choose a place other than the bedroom. It may be a beach, a walking trail, a weekend cottage, a cinema, a darken street, the couch, the kitchen table, the floor, the car. The list goes on.
Choose the right timing, if your partner is downloading the events of her arduous day in the office, your attempts of spontaneous foreplay will be more of an annoyance. So pick your moment.
Foreplay could start early with simple caresses in the restaurant or cinema, it could be a passionate kiss whilst walking home, plant the idea in her mind that passion can exist outside of the bedroom.
I have thought about, created and instigated many non-bedroom places of passion. You are only limited by your imagination and of course, your partner being onboard to. My female friends have shared with me their desires and it is interesting them differentiating between needs and desires. Yes they need to be satisfied sexually, but their desires are to be taken, to be pulled into a dark recess and be kissed, to feel a male body pressing against them, to be caressed under the table, or simply to be held.
You and I have the power to initiate this spark, this is Spontaneity.
If the opportunity presents itself and my spontaneity has started a chain of luscious reactions, I will pop that blue pill to give myself all the chances of prepping Pedro for what may follow. I also reassure myself that I am more than just a penis, and that I have more skills with the working parts of my body to keep this passionate moment going way past the point of no return. Penetration by Pedro is not important.
Here are some moments of spontaneity that have worked for me and these have come about from my lovers sharing their fantasies with me.
Pull her into a dark corner of the bar, kiss her, caress her. The chance of being caught can be exciting.
If you have started on the couch, stay on the couch. Don’t stop the passion by going to the bedroom. Let the passion overflow onto the floor. Beware of carpet burns but maybe you have also strategically placed a Pedro piddle towel nearby. She will love you more knowing that you are not going to stain the couch.
When my lover has arrived at my house, I have passionately kissed her as she has walked through the door. And without drawing breath, the kitchen table had a whole new purpose.
I have even taken my small bullet vibrator with me to share with a lover in an outside location or in the car. A recent experience was on an uncrowded beach which generated many happy moments.
I try my best to surprise her. To excite her. To be impulsive and to give her an unexpected delicious orgasm or two.
I have also discussed this need for spontaneity with my lovers and my female friends, and you will be surprised where their fantasies take them.
Similarly, I have to be open to spontaneity from my lover. If a lover expresses a desire for a delectable encounter, I do not brush it off, as she will soon stop initiating such moments. I try not to go into that rigid format of doing all those things listed in the Passion Killers. I have to recognise that there is some sexually charged energy being projected from my lover and to embrace it, enhance it and go with the fantasy. What of it is the couch gets a little wet!
So the next time that I get a request from a lover to carry new clothes into the department store’s change rooms for her, I will not hesitate.
Keep your desires alive, be spontaneous. Talk with your partner, find out what scenario might make their skin tingle, cause their body to melt or generate an ache of lust that needs to be relieved. And with those ideas in your head, try them out and keep the spark in your relationship. It works for me and I hope it works for you.
コメント